5. scanxiety

UPDATE: I am happy to announce that the scans were clear. It turns out that I have dense breast tissue aka very lumpy boobs.

I have already written five different blog posts. The subject matter covered everything from creativity at night, music inspirations to the best glue to use for collage. It’s been a lot. But none of them have really been what I wanted to write about today. The past week and a half has been fraught with anxiety. Actually…SCANXIETY. It’s the fear of scans that many cancer survivors experience when they go for yearly tests.

For those of you that don’t know, I am a cancer survivor. I had stage 1 Breast Cancer 6 years ago in 2016. Every year I get a mammogram, and a month ago they found some dense tissue that needed more tests. Tomorrow morning at 8:45 am I will be going for another mammogram and an ultrasound. For the record, they are mostly doing this just in case, but still, there is always a nagging thought of what if?

What does this mean for today? Well, it meant that much of my thoughts were occupied. It meant that trying to create was a big challenge. And it meant that I just had to realize that today would be a day that I needed to rest.

Sometimes people use art to heal and I think that is great. But sometimes, when your full time work is art making you need to take a break. Today was that day. I napped and played with dogs, and started a book called Bittersweet by Susan Cain who wrote the excellent book Quiet, about introverts.

If you have the inkling to send some good vibes my way tomorrow morning, I would love it.

I define bittersweetness as the state in which you know, you accept, and you truly inhabit the idea that life is always simultaneously joy and sorrow, it's light and dark.- Susan Cain, Bittersweet