Lost in thoughts
As a woman who has been put into surgical menopause, I don’t get a lot of sleep. I lie awake much of the time, thinking and wondering, lost in my thoughts as the sun begins to rise.
I think about possibility and about what the day might bring.
I think about the art projects that I have planned and the website that needs updating.
I think about whether or not my son is going to have a good day of remote learning, or perhaps it won’t be good, and I will navigate a 10 year old boys rage of being isolated and feeling alone. It will usually involve video games, an episode of Drag Race and some breathing exercises to calm everyone down.
I wonder whether or not I will take that new course that i saw online last night.
I wonder what music i might listen to once i get to the studio, IF i ever get to the studio.
I wonder if my cancer will ever come back. Since having breast cancer, and then a radical hysterectomy, I have found that my body is getting lumpy. Last week I had another ultrasound. The result, a slightly smug nurse declaring, “to be honest dear, you’re just getting to that age, where it’s going to be all lumpy!” She smiles and walks away.
I read an article from this weeks New Yorker Magazine. My dear friend Corin bought me a year long subscription, and I love it. It keeps me connected to a city that I love, although i have never lived there. Many of my dearest friends live there, and I can’t see them right now, but reading the New Yorker makes me feel like I am still connected.
I read 25 pages of a book because my dear friend Corin invited me to be a part of a 25 page a day challenge to read daily. He says it’s important to remember that your reading mind needs to be exercised, and I remember a bookmark my 96 year old grandfather gave me when i was a teenager. “Reading is the mind what exercise is to the body.”
Finally I look for a good poem to write in my journal. I have always loved poetry, and i believe that in order to get to the heart of a poem you must actually write it down with your own hand, because, your hand moves, your arm moves, your shoulder moves, and then your heart is moved.
My mind is busy when i wake up. I get lost in thought and possibilities. I get lost in fear and hope. I get lost in the opportunity of a new day.
And THEN, I take a shower. The water, lukewarm at first, calms my mind, as the temperature rises, my mind quiets. I let out a deep sigh, and for a few moments I sing. Or perhaps I should say, I SOUND. I just make sounds and a bend my knees as i inhale the sweet lavender soap that I love so much. I soap up and i just feel the water on my back. In this moment, wet and naked, I feel calm. It’s in this moment, that I find what will be my day, what will be my work, and will hopefully give me some joy.
Quote: Feeling lost, crazy and desperate belongs to a good life as much as optimism, certainty and reason. - Alain de Botton
Book I am reading: My Year of Meats by Ruth L. Ozeki
Film: Louder Than A Bomb Documentary